I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize