I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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