She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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