She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
