Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
