I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
