I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Randomize
