Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
