can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
