i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
