I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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