dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
