that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
