Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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