just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
