My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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