Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
