thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
