My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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