I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
is it fun? or sober?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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