Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
