dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
