It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
