The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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