I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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