someone threw a dead crab at me
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
