so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
