I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
