So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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