I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
