Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
