This dress was meant to end up on your floor
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
