Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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