Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
