it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
