Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
