I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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