im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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