she looked like the bat from fern gully.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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