It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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