i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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