He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
