why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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