She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
