He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
