either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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