the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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