Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
