After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
