I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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