I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
