I met the friendliest cop last night
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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