I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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